Grandaddy Eulogy
I prepared this eulogy of sorts on April 13th 2018, one month since Grandaddy had passed.
I want to begin by reading this poem that I came across a few weeks ago...
“Alike are life and death,
When life in death survives,
And the uninterrupted breath
Inspires a thousand lives.
Were a star quenched on high,
For ages would its light,
Still traveling downward from the sky,
Shine on our mortal sight.
So when a great man dies,
For years beyond our ken,
The light he leaves behind him lies
Upon the paths of men.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
For some reason or another I really do not have very many distinct memories from my childhood and I don’t have many memories at all from my childhood related to Grandaddy. I remember vaguely some of our visits or their visits to us, but nothing crystal clear. My most cherished memories of Grandaddy have been from my adult years.
One thing that I had remembered Grandaddy telling me was that his older sister had been an excellent piano player and that he specifically remembered her playing Clair de Lune by Claude Debussey. This stuck in my mind and so when I was planning my wedding I selected Clair de Lune for the song for the grandparents to walk in to, and also in hopes that it would give Grandaddy extra motivation to come. It worked- they came!
I am so very thankful for how often we were able to see Grandaddy the last 8 or so years. Having kids usually brings grandparents and great grandparents around a bit more. We were fortunate to see Grandaddy about every 1.5-2 years since Brooklyn was born. They came through town when she was a couple months old to meet her for a few hours. We went to San Antonio to see her when she was not quite two. We planned the trip around a Grizzlies/Spurs game so we could enjoy watching our two teams play each other. I think the Spurs won. I remember also that the weather was perfect and we spent a lot of time outside. We did the Alamo & River Walk, Grandaddy took her swimming, and he took her on a walk one day by himself around their house and they enjoyed looking at bugs and rocks and flowers together. I will also always remember and cherish our breakfasts we had with Grandaddy every morning at Blue Skies and how amazed and proud he was of all I was eating- I was three months pregnant with Annalise. ;) He teased me about that for a long time. I convinced them to come visit us shortly after Elliot was born and they stayed a few days in Memphis. We enjoyed a weekend of perfect weather and Grandaddy particularly enjoyed having a bonfire one night and went on and on about how much he enjoyed gazing into the fire and thinking about how our ancestors down through the ages have done just the same thing. They just really delighted in watching the kids be kids and getting to know them. Our next visit was when I convinced them to meet us in MS at the beach. They were also able to see Jordan and Erik at this time too. We saw them for about a day and a half and they came to the beach one day and the boys were able to get some time talking with Grandaddy and I know Grandaddy enjoyed watching the kids play in the sand and ocean. After they took us to dinner that night Grandaddy shared a few words to each of us Schuyler kids and that was very touching. It was a sweet time. These are the memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. The last memories I have with Grandaddy are harder to talk about.
I knew somewhere deep down when we were planning the trip to Texas that this would likely be the last time I would see him. We had been planning and looking forward to this trip for months, and it broke my heart that he barely got to enjoy it. Elliot and I hung out with Grandaddy as soon as we got there while Ben, the girls, and ME went on a horse ride. There’s this huge rocking horse on the porch at the dude ranch and Elliot was going crazy on it. Grandaddy got a kick out of that. We also spent some time in the lobby and I read Elliot one of the books in there about cars and Elliot started chatting to Grandaddy all about cars and such. It was hard to get any conversation in with Elliot there, but Grandaddy did ask me about homeschooling. He always took such an interest in our homeschooling and that meant so much to me. After the horse ride we all hung out outside our cabin. The kids were playing in the rocks and climbing trees and telling Grandaddy random things like kids do. Of course he couldn’t really hear them, but there was sweet eye contact and interaction regardless. I believe he had his last cigarette and drank his last vodka that afternoon with us. After this it was time for the wildlife wagon ride. Grandaddy rode in the truck so we didn’t really get that time with him, but we saw so many many deer and I’m sure he could probably hear the kids’ excitement. After this was when we were walking onto the covered patio and deck on the concrete floor and Grandaddy fell. I knew right away that this wasn’t good. But he sat in a chair and watched the kids break a pinata open despite the pain he was in. He of course wanted to stay at the ranch even though he was in a lot of pain. Ben and a ranch worker wheeled him up to the dining hall for dinner, but as time went on he finally agreed he needed to go to the hospital.
It took awhile for the reality of it all to set in. Mary Ellen made a comment before they left that “usually when old people fall it’s the beginning of the end”, but at that time I had no idea the end was so close. Even as I said goodbye to him before they left for the hospital I didn’t think I’d never see him again. They made me promise not to tell anyone what had happened.
As reality began to set in, I was so angry and disappointed that this had happened and that he wouldn’t get to enjoy the ranch with us. It felt like torture to be there and not have him there with us. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I immediately began asking God “why” and wrestling through really difficult questions relating to my faith. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so much in the matter of a few short days. But I kept coming back to what I know to be true. That Jesus is real and cares about my suffering. That he loves Grandaddy and died for him so that even in his last days and breaths Grandaddy could receive His love and forgiveness. I was reminded that my God is merciful, gracious, loving, good, and powerful. Even when life is hard and circumstances seem awful, and there’s suffering and pain, God is still good and Jesus is still full of love. I began to see that we were there that week for a reason, and that all of this happened for a reason. I don’t believe in chance or coincidence, but I do believe that things happen as they do for a reason. I believe God’s Providence is this reason and that God had us there at that specific time, and that it was a gift to us that we even got to see him for a few hours. It was a gift to Grandaddy that in his last days he could hear about the kids having fun and know that it was because of him treating us to the dude ranch. I was able to call Mary Ellen at night and tell her what we had done so she could then tell Grandaddy and bring a smile to his face.
Grandaddy and I loved each other so much despite our religious differences, and I believe God had us there in Grandaddy’s last days to be a tangible representation of the love of God to him. I believe God was showing His love to Grandaddy in those last days and waiting with open arms to receive him should Grandaddy call out to Him with belief, even just a little. There were so many things that happened that week we were in TX that have caused me to have great hope that Grandaddy may have come to trust in Jesus and believe in God in his last moments. I will never know for sure. But what I do know of God and who He is gives me hope. Even as Jesus was being crucified in between two criminals, who had up to that point not believed in Jesus, one of them called out to him in belief and faith in his last breaths, and Jesus promised He would see him in paradise. This gives me great hope that maybe Grandaddy too called out in one of his last breaths. For you see, John 3:16 says: “For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life.”
Now back to the last part of our time in Texas. We went by Blue Skies and visited with ME before leaving town, obviously hoping we’d get to see Grandaddy but that wasn’t to be. He hadn’t been transferred from the hospital yet, but he wouldn’t have let us see him anyway. He was adamant that our “last memory” of him was not lying in a hospital bed on oxygen. But we did share some final memories of the ranch with ME, one of which brought Grandaddy his last smile as ME conveyed the story to him later that evening. Annalise had ridden a horse named Quack and towards the very end of the ride when they were almost back to the stables he walked right under a tree branch and she had to lay back to keep from being hit by the branch. She held onto the branch as long as she could and then she fell to the ground. She got right back in the saddle the next day. This was the story that brought Grandaddy his last smile as he was home in hospice for that one night. He certainly loved how feisty and fiery Annalise is. Grandaddy always saw the best in my kids and that helps me to as well.
What I will remember most is my love for Grandaddy and his for me and my family. I will remember how he made me feel and the person he was. I will remember his giving heart and his generosity, his honesty and bluntness. I will remember his amazing ability to tell stories. I will remember his simplicity and his stubbornness. I will remember him and his love. And the love I have for him.
I will end with this short little prayer that Brooklyn copied from her prayer book and left on my bedside table one night a few weeks ago… It was about a pet but she changed the words… “Dear God, Into your care we give this old creature who has died. We lay a green leaf beside him and remember his life. We lay a brown leaf beside him and mourn his death. We scatter a handful of petals to the gentle wind and trust that the life that has blown away from us will be safe with you.”
